i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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