I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i think i have two assholes
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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