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did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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