Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize