sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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