I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
