you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
