He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
