that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
