I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
