If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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