I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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