Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
