apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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