I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
