It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
