i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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