I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
