Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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