I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
