we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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