Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
People with herpes should wear stickers.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
