i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
