You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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