Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
