I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
