Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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