I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
