we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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