dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
