I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
