Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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