i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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