you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
