how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
