I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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