I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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