Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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