I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
