When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
