i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I need to calm my uterus...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
