Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
