...so i touched it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
