I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
