I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize