Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
