That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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