When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
