i barfeds in our rink
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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