dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
