no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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