i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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