Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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