Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
