im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
