Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
