Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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