She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
