I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
