It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
