He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize